Kitts Says Stuff

OhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH SNAP!

That’s right, another month, ANOTHER BIRCHBOX. So, in my continuing series on evaluating the Mens’ (and also available in Ladies’) grooming and lifestyle products, we’ll be tackling June’s box. Its theme? Apparently this month is #EscapeArtist — And what a more appropriate time! It’s Summer! Everyone’s vacationing! Except the Australians.

They’re in the middle of winter.

Lucky fuckers.

ANYWAY. Onto the box! As you can see, there appears to be LESS in the box this time. And you’d be WRONG. See, normally Birchbox gives me about five products to try out and review on their website. This time, they gave me four — but TWO of one of them. So, getting the ball rolling, we’ll start on the double prize in this month’s box.

Richer Poorer Socks. The two styles I was given were the Seussian Red with White stripes (which I can’t seem to find on the website, strangely enough), and what is listed in the color selections as “Trekker - Grey,” which are a mix of grey socks with light blue pixelated pyramids outlined with yellow stripes. Considering I’m WEARING said socks, I have to say they are DAMN comfy. I mean, they’re just lovely to wear. However, I have one complaint about the current pair that I’m wearing — the sewing lining is akin to older types of socks with sewn patterns in them, in that the lining sticks out. So, you stick your feet in, your toes get tangled, you snag some shit, and WHOOPS. Torn socks.

No bueno.

The Seussian socks have no such problem, but I was wearing grey pants earlier and just… didn’t take the socks off. Eh. C’est la vie.

Next up, we come to the one other product I was really excited about in the box, the Old Spice Pure Soap Bar. Now, it is NO secret that I’m an Old Spice man. I have been for a good three or four years now; I love the brand, I love the smells, I love the ad campaigns, and I am envious of all who work on them. 

I’m lookin’ at you, Isaiah Mustafa.

So, getting the bar soap was pretty exciting for me, and let me tell you… It IS a bar of soap.

What? You want more detail? Well, uh… hrm. It smells nice. Smells like soap, in fact! It, uh… It has a good hand feel. Probably would feel good being rubbed… on your arms. Okay, I’ll be honest, I just don’t care about bar soaps. I admit it! I don’t USE bar soaps except when I’m in a hotel and that’s all that’s in the little shower that’s provided for me! I’m very much exclusively a loofah and body wash kinda gent, and I am okay with that. Hell, that Molton Brown bodywash from last month? I STILL HAVE SOME LEFT. I’ve been friggin’ hoarding that stuff now like crazy, because I love how much it smells. Bar soap? SORRY. NOT IMPRESSING ME.

I’ll go back to my Old Spice Fiji bodywash.

ANYWAY, so, onto the last two products, both from Italy, I might add. We have the Marvis Toothpaste and the Proraso Shaving Cream. The toothpaste I have yet to actually brush my teeth with, so when I do, I’ll write about it — but it smells just delightful. Clean white toothpaste, no stripes or decoration about it — just a simple, minty toothpaste, and I can support that.

The shaving cream, on the other hand… Well… Let’s be honest.

I took this picture after not shaving for a good two days. Do I look like I need to shave more than that?

I didn’t think so. So, I need to actually send a message to Birchbox and just flat out ask them if they need me to review their shaving products with my pubic hair or something, because SERIOUSLY. THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SHAVE, GUYS. THAT’S IT.

I don’t even really grow LEG hair, for fuck’s sake! I mean, I do… but, still.

… Shaving cream review. Right. Uh, it uh… Doesn’t really have a smell. Can’t review it on that basis. Firm texture. I guess it’ll do. Well, next time I shave, I’ll write about it, I guess. And how it helps me manscape.

ANYWAY, that’s this month’s Birchbox! Thanks for reading, and if you enjoyed what you saw here (or in the last few months’ reviews), go right ahead and sign on up over hyar! $20 a month for dudes, $10 a month for ladytype parsons, and you can go and fill that medicine cabinet with more than just a few disposable razors and that one bottle of emergency smelly-stuff for when you run out of deodorant!

OH YEAH, BIRCHBOX TIME AGAIN.

That’s right, gang, it’s a new month, and thus: Another Birchbox Men review. After TURNING IT UP last month, Birchbox has now celebrated their one year anniversary. One whole year of getting men to give a crap about their appearance and grooming habits and try some new shit every once in a while. Or provide hilarious little practical gifts that could be made in an afternoon in woodshop.

I’m looking at you, bottle opener from the first month’s box.

So, anyway. This month’s theme celebrates their one year by adopting the phrase “All Grown Up,” and the bits and pieces this month fit that theme pretty nicely.

The first item to draw my attention was the biggest of the bunch: a friggin’ BELT. The Men in Cities Two-Tone Woven Cotton Belt, to be exact. Now, I only own one belt. It’s reversible, two-toned leather, with a silver buckle. This belt is useful for me to have. This belt, however, apparently has a “vegan leather trim,” which… Given events that occurred earlier this week, I’m not going to get into that can of organic soy worms. First off: the belt is VERY long. I mean, SERIOUSLY. LONG. I’m a maybe 31 inch waist, and this damn thing loops around me one and a half times. Not complaining, mind you, but that’s a lot of slack to take over. Birchbox recommends wearing them with chinos, jeans, or shorts. I own… none of these, at the moment. So… I guess when I do, I’ll let you guys know how it works.

Next up, we have two, count ‘em, TWO pairs of Vivarati No-Show Loafer Socks. Now, I’ll admit, I’m not one to wear loafers. I’m not one to wear low-cut socks. But these bastards are COMFY. I mean, I put on the purple pair (they know me so well now), and just walked around this morning after work. SO SOFT. They even have a nice kinda rubber grippy thingie on the inside heel so as to not slip off. I think I’ll honestly just wear these as house socks. Y’know. Walkin’ ‘round the house.

Yeah.

Alright, next up, we get to the very first CONSUMABLE thing I’ve gotten from Birchbox, and added bonus: I’ve actually HEARD of the product before. drinkwel, the multivitamin for people who drink. I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to. Comes with the whole making-my-life-better thing I’ve been doing the last eight months or so. That said, I know the benefits of taking care of your body before and after you drink, and these will definitely come in handy at some point in my life. They’re made of a blend of about 30 different vitamins and minerals, “formulated to help your body break down alcohol.” While I would love to believe that’s 100% true, I’m skeptical at best. Empirical research will need to be done before I give this product my seal of approval.

Lastly, we have a body wash and a body scrub. The Molton Brown Re-charge Black Pepper Bodywash and the Billy Jealousy Adrenaline Junkie Energizing Scrub will be tested when I wake up and shower this afternoon, but I can give you some preliminary aspects. BOTH SMELL AMAZING. I mean, seriously, Birchbox, how the fuck did you get in my head and learn of two of my favorite scents of all time?

HOW?

The black pepper wash is definitely a bit more musky than the peppermint scrub — as one would expect — but it isn’t overwhelming. Either way, super excited to have ‘em and use ‘em. More on them later.

Lastly, a little flowchart to direct you to certain portions of the Birchbox website, should you need advice or whatever on how to maintain your brilliance. It’s cute. S’about all I got to say on that.

That’s the box this month, though! Thanks for readin’, and if you like what you see, YOU CAN ALWAYS SIGN UP HERE. $20 a month for dudes, $10 a month for ladies. As you can see, one gets WAY more bang than one would expect for one’s buck.

HOORAY INTERNET IS BACK, TIME FOR A BIRCH BOX REVIEW.

So, last month’s theme was March Madness. This month? TURN IT UP. (Appropriate, given that my subreddit is at almost 1000 subscribers. *COUGH* PRODUCT PLACEMENT *COUGH* ) As such, a bunch of the stuff is really tailored for waking your shit up, and getting your day started.

So. Let’s begin with the first product: Kiehl’s Facial Fuel Energizing Face Wash. First thing I notice when I pop it open is the distinct smell of menthol and citrus. Seems a pretty nice little blend of ingredients, which I will look forward to actually using tomorrow when I wake up. Probably write about it then on the Birchbox website itself.

Next up, the Yes To Carrot Lip Butter. A nice petroleum-free lip balm with mint. Mmm. It’s actually really refreshing, and as I’ve been having some serious chapped lips lately, not a moment too soon. Within seconds of applying it, the mint goes to work making my lips feel cool and moisturized — not sticky or drying out, either, as of a few minutes later. The product is made of coconut, olive, sunflower oil and beeswax, so… Pretty good stuff overall.

Now, after the skincare products, we have the cologne, with Ateler Cologne Mistral Patchouli. Now, I’ve never stated outright for the world to know my opinion on patchouli. Suffice it to say, I hate the stuff. Think it smells like rancid hobo. Might be just because a rancid hobo was the last person I ever encountered who was wearing the stuff as though it were a fine shampoo. However, this patchouli is actually… not too terrible. In that I can’t smell the patchouli. It actually smells more… peppery and citrus-y. Not so much rancid hobo-y. That said, though, it still smells a bit like patchouli, and so, not my scene. Also, the sample bottle it came in was too easy to friggin’ spill all over the place, so… Definitely not thrilled about that.

The hair styling product, Oribes Supershine Moisturizing Cream, will have to wait for a full review on its own merits when I actually try the stuff. The sample comes in a one-time-use little packet, which will annoy the crap out of me when I finally DO use it. Meh.

And thus, we come to the coolest fucking thing in the box: Triple C Designs greenBOOM portable speaker. Now, this fucking thing excited me to no end when I saw it. A friggin’ tiny wooden speaker that will connect up to my phone, and thus, I can listen to music in my car again. (Long story on that front). I ripped open the box, plugged it in, and HOLY SHIT FUCKIN’ THING IS LOUD. I mean, DAMN, I had my phone on about 3/4 volume, and it about punched me in the face, volumetrically. (Disclaimer: I know that’s not the right word, but, with all due respect, fuck you — I like the sound of that.) It’s a sturdy little box of wood with a simple on/off switch on the back, a single slot for the charger (which, the instruction guide states, will let the box play continuously for about 4 hours on a full charge), and a slot for the audio jack to plug in. It’ll play ANYWHERE from ANYTHING, with a simple male/male headphone jack plug-in. Phones, iPods, even my Laptop could get a little boost in sound. Admittedly, it IS only one speaker, so there is some stereophonic sound left to be desired, but getting this in the Birchbox? TOTALLY WORTH IT.

So, that is the April Birchbox Men box. If you wanna get your own — both for ladies and for duders — CLICK THIS SHIT. Seriously. It’s pretty awesome.

So, in a… intriguing turn of events, I’ve found myself subscribed to Men’s Birchbox. Now, for those unfamiliar with Birchbox, it’s basically a $20-a-month monthly service that sends you five to seven sample or full sizes of beauty/grooming and lifestyle products, as well as some little gifts and nicknacks and whathaveyou. You can then go online, review them, and earn points to get $10 off products on their site for every 10 products you review.

SO. This, being my first month, I got super excited about what my haul would be, and… Fuck yeah, it’s manly as hell.

Bottle opener (made of wood, nails, and fuckin’ MAGNETS), bottle koozie, some awesome coasters, shaving cream from GO247 and a sample bottle of some really nice-smelling cologne from Cartier.

Suffice it to say, for $20, this is a nice little haul in my mind. That shaving cream, for example, will last me the rest of the year. And that bottle opener is gonna get some use later tonight, I GUARANTEE IT.

SO. If you’re at all interested, GO TO THEIR WEBSITE AND SIGN UP. It’s a pretty fuckin’ cherry gig, bra.

Consumer Whore Kitts, OUT.